你是否是他。。。或者是她？

你可曾感覺自己表現出最糟的一面
就像潘朵拉的盒子
裝滿了秘蜜，討厭的東西
傲慢，惡意，自已為是
全都跳了出來
有人激怒你
你沒有一笑置之
反而出言攻击
你好，我是討厭鬼。


我被激怒時，舌頭就像打了結
腦袋一片。。。空白
然後整夜翻來覆去，思索自己該說什么
說什么呢？
想不出來
什么都想不起來，即使現在
過了好幾天，還是想不出來
你好，我是膽小鬼 。

Crying... has its uses too...

Have you ever come across people saying that crying is not going to help in anyway or make things better? Well, I beg to differ. From my personal experiences, I find crying does help in some ways and do make things better. I am not saying crying is the best way to solve things or it would be good to cry in every kind of tough situations.

I  have to admit that there were many times that I felt much better after each big cry, it was as if every tear drop that came out carried with it a tiny bit of my sadness or anger. And with each tear, the sadness seems to fade and the anger gradually dissipated. I am sure many girls or women cried because it seems to be the only way to address the sadness, disappointment, anger or sometimes even happiness since words cannot describe how they felt at that moment in time.

Maybe that is the reason why woman tend to live longer than the men, they express their feelings by crying instead of bottling up everything like the men who might find crying - a womens' thing.

From my point of view, crying does not represent that one is weak... rather a person who is strong or confident enough to express himself/herself emotionally, I like people who are able to express themselves in such ways compared to mind games... don't you?

the cravings never ends...

i may be sick, down with flu and fever, but the flu medicine works like a wonder, not how it cures me but how it makes me drowsy, one tablet and i am sleeping like a baby... *yawns*

oh, wondering happily away from my true intentions for the post again... sick but my cravings never dies! my usual clicks on the remote control always bring me to the Man V Food where this guy travels all throughout the states and feature all the best food he can find in the city or town. Food Safari, another channel where the host travels to different parts of Australia and learn about the different cultures and famous dishes other foreigners residing in Australia have to offer. All these shows always leaves me salivating and worse, cravings that can never be fulfilled.

tonight, as i watched Man V Food, the Red Mill juicy bacon deluxe burger and crispy onion rings stole my heart, as my mind flew to seattle and never came back. i made up my mind to visit washington if a new york trip ever comes up! what came up next tore me apart, seafood! my love for seafood beats anything, the alaskan sea feast featured in the Crab Pot Restaurant blew me away, another major reason to get myself to seattle! there is no way i can get back to sleep, but i hope my dreams will be filled with all the glorious food i have just seen... *giggles*

The Gloomy Old Man

I am so sick of trying to be encouraging and nice to the old man in my family, he is always dumping cold water in my face whenever I try to organize some trips or plan for some family events. Asking them if they are keen to visit Australia at the end of the year, I had two extreme reactions, my mum was delighted but the silly old man was throwing ice cubes at me, telling me how many people died in Australia recently because they rented a car to go around. Gosh, it was as if I was trying to drag him to hell and to think that I offered to stay at home to look after my dog, Tiger, if they decided to go! And what response did I get from the old man...

"What for go so far, just go Bangkok near and good, old already, also don't when will die..."

I was pissed, no matter how I tried to duck the ice cubes that he was throwing at me, I couldn't avoid the pail of cold water that was dumped on me, so I replied.

"Whenever everyone is in a good mood, trying to plan something, all you do is to discourage every one. Yes, you are right, you might die soon, every one has to die someday, maybe I will die tomorrow, you never know!"

What can I do, I have tried so many ways to make things better, but I am a human after all, there are days that I am tired too, there are days that I feel discourage too, one day, I will stop making an effort, making an effort to plan trips for the family, making an effort to ask friends out when they keep postponing the dates, I gotta a feeling that one day may come soon....

Can life ever be on hold?

Have you ever had nights where sleep just seems to be impossible? And tried a thousand and one way to induce the sleeping mechanism, for example, trying to empty any brain cell that has any thoughts in it, spraying all kinds of lavender mist all over the room and pillows, drinking a glass of warm milk or some baileys with milk (that's my way... =p), taking another shower, going for a run, whatever that helps... Unfortunately so, I am having one such night and the feeling of not being able to fall asleep is dreadful... to the extent of horrible!

But I have an idea why I am losing sleep, reason one - I took a few naps since morning till evening, reason two - there are too many things on my mind, my brain cells are fully occupied with many thoughts, ideas, plans...etc, reason three - I feel dirty, all right, I know what's on your mind! I shower daily, at least thrice a day, but for some reason, if I feel that my hair is slightly oily or dirty in any way, I won't be able to fall asleep! It is a weird way of thinking I know but that's the way I am, I have to be perfectly clean before I can fall asleep soundly or comfortably. You wouldn't believe it if I told you that I would drag myself to wash up even when I was so high on alcohol or once... drunk, in that state of mind, it took quite an effort to do that, trust me.

But what's keeping me awake are thoughts and plans, thoughts that can't seem to settle down and plans that are not being carried out. I have been putting my life on hold, for what you may ask, for the fact that I haven't made u my mind about what I should do with this life of mine. I thought of teaching but peers and friends seem to laugh at that idea, simply because they cannot picture me as a teacher! Well, who cares, I am never one to be dissuaded by how people look or think of me. Do I love baking so much that I would make it into a career? Is it even practical? That thought actually brought me to do some research about the pastry schools in Paris, the path to becoming a Patissiere... maybe it is a dream after all.

Teaching... many would not know but I am actually quite good with kids, I wouldn't say I have a special talent or connection with kids but I am able to hit it off with most kids quite quickly if I want to... =) I remembered how my little cousins love to pile up on me and sit on me whenever I am around, but that is no longer playing, it was simply bullying the only older kid that was around... hah. I am confident that I would make a great teacher if I put my heart to it, but I am scared that I would make the wrong choices between primary, secondary or tertiary students... and of course, the acceptance by moe to become one. I know that the decision has to be made soon or my life would forever be on hold... and I hate it when I am not doing anything but just thinking and planning, I wanna be busy doing something, studying, volunteering, learning, dating, diving, hiking, traveling... doing things that will give me a reason of existence...

Mountains of New Year Cookies and a... Chocolate Bread-Cake...

Chinese New Year is approaching, it's the season where all families stock up all kinds of goodies to welcome the new year and for all to enjoy. For me, the excitement of having Chinese New Year has gradually decreased over the years... Why so? Well, when you are younger, the thought of receiving red packets and gorging on never-ending supply of sweets and chocolates would really seem like a dream come true and to add to that, no school! But as I grew up, the excitement seems to fade away with each approaching year, though I still enjoy not having to attend school of course. 

But this year, for some reasons... I am looking forward to the Lunar New Year, maybe it was because I wasn't here to celebrate it with my family last year so I sort of miss having reunion dinner with the rest, all the laughters and noise of having all the relatives over at my place, and not to forget... listening to those irritating Chinese New Year songs... =)

This year, I took time off to make some cookies for Chinese New Year. A must have - Pineapple tarts! Healthier choices - 1) Cranberries and Oatmeal Cookies, 2) Pecans and Chocolate Chips Cookies. They turn out quite well except for the pecan cookies, it was a little flat but awfully crispy so that made up for its appearances I guess.

Well, I have to say most of the cookies turn out quite well and are quite delicious! Hopefully, I won't be snacking on them too often or there would nothing else left for the rest.

I tried to make another chocolate bread but change the proportions of the flour and water, thanks to my itchy fingers, the chocolate bread or maybe it should be called a cake... no... it is a hybrid of both... chewy, spongy yet soft at the same time. It was still quite enjoyable, maybe it was due to the loads of bittersweet chocolate chips that I invested in the bread-cake. Haha.

The Ultra Combi of Air-Heads and Blind Followers

To be frank, I have always thought that to call someone stupid or address someone as an air-head is simply rude and uncalled for. But over lunch today, while talking to two new colleagues of mine, I can't help pinning the air-head tags on them. Why? Let me bring you through our conversations and you will why I had the urge to do that.

Colleague J is a twenty-nine year old girl who still behaves like a sixteen year-old teenager. You would be surprised to learn that she has a masters in statistics from an overseas university. She was telling the rest of us that she would do any other job to get out of the current one, so I asked what she was planning to do and she said she was looking for a position in risk management which led me to asked if she had any experience in the bank and that was when she told us that she had a masters in statistics. Out of nowhere, she suddenly mentioned that while she was schooling in Sydney, she tried to kill herself when broke up with her boyfriend of five years. All right, five years is a long time, I guess I could understand why she was upset, but suicide seems a little overboard. And the only reason why she wanted to stay in Sydney was due to her boyfriend, she studied masters for him too so after the break-up, she felt there was nothing worth staying on for in Sydney although she previously had a job at Westpac which she quitted for her boyfriend's sake but didn't mention the the reason why she had to do that. And she switched the conversation back to her present life saying her husband wants her to quit the job and told her to look for a position in risk management so she did... She applied to MOE for a teaching position too... because her husband told her to do so... so she is doing this and doing that, all because her husband wants her to do so. Where is her own mind? Doesn't she have a brain that belongs to herself and listens to what she wants rather than what her husband wants. How can she live a life for someone else? Having someone to depend on doesn't mean you can't make your own decisions, heeding the advice of someone you care about or love should strengthen your own decision and help you see the choices in different lights. That is what sharing a life together means. And moreover, she mentioned that she still think and miss her ex-boyfriend from Sydney... what can I say?

Colleague C is a twenty-five year old somebody who doesn't seems to have experience in anything. Her hair is always in a mess and the way she converse makes one think that she grew up in a society where education is hard to come by. But she grew up here! Here... is where primary education is a must for all children, if you throw a stone on any of the streets, it would most probably hit someone who have studied for at least 10-15 years of his/her life. At first, she was asking how she could give away her off days to work more, so I told her that there was a board or forum where everyone could exchange either their off days or work days. And she replied saying she didn't know how it works since she has never tried it before even though she has been working in our company for at least one and a half years, so I told her that she could either post her request on the board or go through the board looking at other people's post and see if any of them fits her requirement. Then she proceeded to ask how would she know how much to give and take, what she meant by give and take is actually a 'underground black market' where people makes exchanges with 'benefits = $'. The rest of the colleagues tried to explain that it was tough to give an estimate since everyone values their off days on different levels but after all the explanations, all we could see was a blank look on her face. Before all these had taken place, she had already asked a few questions that surprised us as those questions involved basic knowledge that all of us should know in our line of work. It is like an apprentice asking a professional baker why yeast has to be used in bread-making, or a broker asking a trader what LIBOR stands for. In the end, we didn't managed to find out if she understood what we were trying to explain, as the food was served and I have to say, boy... was I glad that we didn't had to continue the conversation!