own meals

last three weeks, i was barely eating at all...

now, i am eating like crazy, i can't stop even when i feel the additional weight piling on me. usually, i am really weight conscious, but for some reason, i didn't care. ... i do care, but everything look so tempting and i was always looking forward to the next meal, thinking of where i should lunch or dine overseas, always thinking of new recipes to try out. oh god, this has to stop before i reach a point of no return, with the bulging stomach and heavy thighs, how many crunches and laps to get rid of those!

but wait, you wouldn't fault me after looking at these... in addition to all my cakes and pastries =)

chicken sausages with garlic coupled with asparagus and mashed potatoes

grilled beef on a bed of caesar salad with bacon bits and marinate dressing

Today's MTVS

Love the song and the MV, was looking for an MV that was clear, found one that was quite clear but it has some wordings but nevertheless, enjoyable!

She deserve the award, we know that, don't we? =)

finally, someone understands...

"So what, they are getting together, they handle it the wrong way, it's no big deal... I guess..."

That is what people have been telling me, people who can say that just shows that they have never been placed in such situation before and I doubt they will be saying the same thing if it ever happens to them...

One day, this guy friend of mine was asking me how I was getting along and he felt that something was wrong and I was surprised that I revealed some stuff to him and what amazed me what that he managed to piece all my emotions into words, into words that I could not make out myself.

He replied: "I know why you are upset."

And I was thinking, yeah yeah, another one that pretends to know what it was like.

"You lost your friends."

"Not to someone else."

"But to... each other."

I paused, no one has told me that, no one has tried to understand the reasoning behind why I was upset, if he was with me, I would have hugged him and cried.

I have lost the right to talk, to gossip, to laugh about one party to the other, I have lost the freedom of actions, speech, thoughts and behavior around these two people.

Take this for an instant, when I met up with L. in Los Angeles, he told me that he was returning to Sin and I told him H. has already me so. And he said he would like to have told me the piece of news himself. I will never be able to discover the joy, happiness, sadness and all kinds of emotions first-hand because they would be giving me news on behalf of one another and I hate that.

These few weeks, I tried to push them out of my life, to compress them into such a small tiny little block of memory that I hope would disappear into one of my millions of blood cells, never to be seen again, but this tiny block seems to block my arteries all the time, making it hard to breathe.

Then I realized, I was more forgiving towards one compared to the other, I knew why... One left a bruise, the other left a deep cut which never seem to heal, instead the wound got infected and became worse, I was starting to hate this person no matter how hard I tried in preventing that from happening, I kept telling myself that it was so immature to do that, I can dislike but not hate, because hate would put bitterness into me, and I didn't want to become that, I want to save that cheerful optimistic self that I once was.

Whenever I though of how these 2 people are building their blocks of love while I am chiding myself everyday for what I have become, the 'hate seedlings' seems to grow. And refreshing my memory on '重色輕友' only made it worse. I need to burn the seedlings, to leave this place before it is too late (not as if I am around all the time...) I hope to find the place soon so I can leave to nurture myself and become me once more.

m.e.l.b.o.u.r.n.e

i set off for melbourne without much anticipation or excitement but i had plans. it was going to be my first time in melbourne without a companion since she was there. the early arrival into melbourne was what i needed, i needed a good scrub, out of my uniform, into my night slip and onto the bed. it was a chilly evening, as expected in melbourne.

after i washed up, i switched to my favorite australian channel - lifestyle food. there was a moment i was about to let my droopy eye lids close and drift off to sleep, for some reason, i forced myself to keep awake and that was a bad decision... have you ever missed 'the moment' to fall asleep and for the entire night, sleep never comes, that was what happened to me. and i lazed in bed, waiting for the alarm to ring, i set the alarm to ring at 11 a.m in the morning, just the right time for brunch. i wanted to head down to the nice little cafe right at the smack of the tram stop - middle park (i didn't know the name of the cafe...hah).

so as the alarm rang, i washed up and realize something was not right...

i forgot to set myalarm to the melbourne which meant it was at 1 noon that i woke up at... oh no... was the cafe closed? i had no idea how to get there nor the the name of the cafe thinking i would always have a companion in melbourne but i guess things change. so i went to the concierge and tried my best to describe the cafe to them and to my surprise, they managed to locate the cafe and found out that the closing hour was at 4 p.m, ample time for me to travel down and enjoy my lunch, not brunch due to my silly mistake. i was advised to hop on the tram 112 or 96.

when i got to the tram stop, 112 was right in front of me, lucky me, i thought. got onto to the tram and simply forgotten that only coins can be used, and i had like 5 bucks in coins which wasn't enough for a daily full fare zonal 1 bus card... so... i quickly pressed onto the concessional button for students and prayed that my glasses would helped to conceal my age... if possible =p

so i listened to my ipod, not knowing that this tram was not going to bring me to my destination... the tram stopped at st.kildas, did i miss the stop? hmm, i asked the conductor and she told me that it was better if i caught tram 96 across the street and that was what i did, as i got onto tram 96, one stop, two stop, okay, am i still in zone 1? as i was deciding to hop off and asked for further directions, the small little cafe appeared in my sight, yes!

i gleefully hopped off the tram and skipped into the cafe, smell of pancakes and warm coffee filled my entire being, ahhh, i am finally here. i settled for the seat facing the tennis court, like the last time, looked through the menu and discovered new choices, nice... i like trying new things. after much deliberation, i was struggling between the triple pancakes drizzled with belgium chocolate, sprinkled with roasted hazelnuts and topped with vanilla bean mascarpone or the organic poached eggs with smoked salmon and spinach on sourdough bread with cucumber, shallots and dill dressing. my stomach was starting to growl, i had to make a decision, poached eggs with salmon it is, and a cup of chai tea. why did i choose poached eggs with salmon? because i could make the triple pancakes myself, with the same toppings and all =)

when my order came, it looks good, more than good, it was great, i couldn't wait to dive in. as the folk sinked into the poached eggs, and out flow the yellow yolk onto the sourdough bread, i broke off part of the bread, dipped it into the yolk and into my mouth, the warm and creamy yolk matched perfectly with the sourdough bread which was toasted and the bread was full of surprise itself, it was full of grains and pine nuts, delish! the smoked salmon went well with the spinach and dill dressing which i tried to make out what was in it - cucumber, onions, dill which was visible, and from the taste, there should be lemon, olive oil, sea salt and a tinge of pepper, it was a refreshing contrast to the creaminess of the yolk. i have to say it was a big portion for me but nevertheless, i finished every single item on the plate. i was filled to the brim...

with happiness...

p.s - photos taken with my blackberry phone, but i like the way it came out

a chocolate cake that i bake for the old man

just pictures for now, i am high on cough medicine at this moment, am feeling the drowsiness which i hope will last for a long time, please keep me in lalaland =)

missing

i kept losing things this few days, always glancing around to make sure that i didn't leave anything behind, being sick the last 2 weeks must have put the strain on me and the non-stop coughing was killing me. but i finally realize, i didn't lose things, i lost a part of me... that was what i was looking for all the time.

i was missing a part of myself, missing the part that laughed and smiled so much in melbourne, i was missing someone, someone that i shut out totally, in order to keep me from losing myself but in the end, i still lost a part of the puzzle.

*humming* (to the songs - break me out and how to save a life) i need to find the person who can cut out the missing puzzle piece, to replace the piece that was destroyed. i am looking, i am finding, i am waiting, i am searching... for you (can you hear me? please come along soon...)

someone

i spoke today, to someone i was determine to ignore, for some reason, i felt it was cruel to ignore and in fact, i didn't want to do that, maybe i wanted to end things the right way or maybe i wanted to salvage something...

someone felt that i didn't want to understand, wanted to distant myself, and someone was silly to me. maybe it was true that i tried to distant myself, but i did understood someone, maybe not enough, but would it change things if i did, would things turn out differently if i had understood more. someone was not silly, someone was innocent, a kind of innocence that i wish i had. someone said i did not like that kind of innocence, how did someone know? did i crush the innocence of someone so badly?

i am sorry if i did, i didn't meant to, and will never again. someone was part of my life, but i shaved off that part of me. someone was sad to let go of what we built, i was sad too but showing it would only have made it harder.

someone must understand that time will fade things, but somethings can never be faded. happiness and sadness can be created through someone's hands, i was supposed to let someone know at my own time, but does someone know that i was waiting too...