finally, someone understands...

"So what, they are getting together, they handle it the wrong way, it's no big deal... I guess..."

That is what people have been telling me, people who can say that just shows that they have never been placed in such situation before and I doubt they will be saying the same thing if it ever happens to them...

One day, this guy friend of mine was asking me how I was getting along and he felt that something was wrong and I was surprised that I revealed some stuff to him and what amazed me what that he managed to piece all my emotions into words, into words that I could not make out myself.

He replied: "I know why you are upset."

And I was thinking, yeah yeah, another one that pretends to know what it was like.

"You lost your friends."

"Not to someone else."

"But to... each other."

I paused, no one has told me that, no one has tried to understand the reasoning behind why I was upset, if he was with me, I would have hugged him and cried.

I have lost the right to talk, to gossip, to laugh about one party to the other, I have lost the freedom of actions, speech, thoughts and behavior around these two people.

Take this for an instant, when I met up with L. in Los Angeles, he told me that he was returning to Sin and I told him H. has already me so. And he said he would like to have told me the piece of news himself. I will never be able to discover the joy, happiness, sadness and all kinds of emotions first-hand because they would be giving me news on behalf of one another and I hate that.

These few weeks, I tried to push them out of my life, to compress them into such a small tiny little block of memory that I hope would disappear into one of my millions of blood cells, never to be seen again, but this tiny block seems to block my arteries all the time, making it hard to breathe.

Then I realized, I was more forgiving towards one compared to the other, I knew why... One left a bruise, the other left a deep cut which never seem to heal, instead the wound got infected and became worse, I was starting to hate this person no matter how hard I tried in preventing that from happening, I kept telling myself that it was so immature to do that, I can dislike but not hate, because hate would put bitterness into me, and I didn't want to become that, I want to save that cheerful optimistic self that I once was.

Whenever I though of how these 2 people are building their blocks of love while I am chiding myself everyday for what I have become, the 'hate seedlings' seems to grow. And refreshing my memory on '重色輕友' only made it worse. I need to burn the seedlings, to leave this place before it is too late (not as if I am around all the time...) I hope to find the place soon so I can leave to nurture myself and become me once more.