What would you do on a Christmas Eve?

On Christmas Eve, I would like to stay away from alcohol, stay away from clubs and stay home with a plate of freshly baked chocolate cookies dipped in the creamiest vanilla ice-cream, watching home movies with my love ones.

Maybe I should resign to the fate of going to a match-making agency, maybe it is not that bad and not that embarrassing to admit to the fact that I can't find myself a life partner. This is one resolution that I have to make: to find a decent boyfriend next year! (I must be the only one with such resolution)

Christmas is a time to love?

After watching so many Christmas movies, year after year, one cannot help but think that Christmas is indeed the season to love, a season to spread love, a season to fall in love and a season to declare your love. How true is it that when you confess your admiration for someone during Christmas, the probability of getting rejected is lower because it is a season to love.

Well, I have never tried it before, it is not that I do not want to try but rather I have no one to try on and I am pretty gutless in certain situations, especially in the situations of love. Maybe one day there will be a time when I need such luck on this particular season of love.

Will you do it?

I Carry Your Heart With Me

I carry your heart with me

(I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it

(anyway I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud 

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart

E. E. Cummings

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster;

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident 

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

By Elizabeth Bishop

What if he doesn't like me?

He says: "When I like somebody, I make sure they know it. Life is too short to live it any other way."

She says: "What if he doesn't like me back?"

He says: "Be an idiot..."

Did I shave too much?

Little pieces of you get chipped away by another person.

And then, you shave little pieces of yourself away,

so that you will fit together.

And one day, you looked up.

You don't even know who you are.

I ROAR!

The contest is a lie and fight.

So chin up, pull your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little.

Don't lick your wounds, celebrate them.

The scars you bear are a sign of a competitor.

You're in a lion fight.

Just because you didn't win, doesn't mean you don't know how to roar.

Sleeping like you.. and this made me miss you

After taking on the direct flight to New York and Los Angeles, I realized I have started to sleep more and more wasn't a couple hours but rather a day. Every time I find myself sleeping too much, it reminds me of what I used to say to you, about how much you love to sleep and how it amazes me that a human can sleep so much. 

And you used to wonder why I rarely slept when I was with you, it wasn't that I didn't needed the rest or sleep but I would rather spent my waking moments with you since we rarely saw one another...

I grew up to be someone who finds it almost impossible to sleep next to another human being but once in a blue moon, I was able to fall asleep next to the very someone, not anyone... The reason why? I can't tell either, maybe my heart and mind agreed at the same point of time and that made it possible. You were one of them, sometimes, I wonder if you were the first for that to happen. Now it is over, would I ever find the next?

Where the Heart Is

"When we meet, a bond between us is born for the first time.

Our hearts aren't inside our bodies.

When we think of something, or care about someone, 

that is where our hearts are born.

If you were the only person in the entire world, 

then your heart wouldn't be anywhere. "

Long Island Tea

Went to Zouk last night, had a couple of wine, a couple of shots, a couple of long island teas and I am gone. Long island tea always never fail to make me regret my actions the next morning. The thumping of the head and churning of the stomach makes me hate long island tea even more. It is the potion to get the "high" feeling fast. But for today, I regretted, tomorrow is the run and here I am feeling the after effects. So loads of water today and hopefully by night, I will be done. 

Will I be running with a hangover tomorrow morning?

Sleepless nights

Not being able to fall asleep is one of my worst nightmare. I simply can't put it in words how irritated I get when I lay in bed and nothing happens. My mind seems to be so occupied that I am unable to drift into a peaceful sleep. Nothing really beats the despair of not being able to fall asleep and letting time sleep by each minute, and knowingly know that you will be in trouble the very next morning. 

And you don't have to wonder why I am blabbering in the middle of the night, I am having one of those dreadful nights where sleep seems so unattainable. I would gladly be knocked out by a punch now to gain that hour of peaceful and undisturbed sleep.

So who will do the honor?

26th December 2008

Although I was a little hurt yesterday by my buddy's "rather have lunch with Rich than hang out with me" scenario. But I can't stop feeling excited about the post-Christmas dinner at her place and of course her coming back to Singapore! No matter what happened, I still miss her very very much because she is a big part of my life! And nothing can change that fact!

Thinking about buying groceries together and having fun cooking makes me feel warm inside, it has been a long time since I had a fun in a big group. I guess that was the reason why I was attracted to him, because he hangs out in group too, and it seems so right and so "in place".

Is it possible to find a place for everyone in the world today?

Stress, Excitement! Will I make a gain or loss?

At 1700 today, for the first time, I bought in shares through my broker, wanted to do online trading but was not confident enough. My heart is heavy but yet excited. Heavy with worry that my share price would dropped and my heart will give way too but feeling excited about the profit that I will make too!

For tonight, it will be a sleepless night!

A little hurt

This morning as I arrived back from Paris, my mind was filled with thoughts on how I should go about changing my schedule to include Melbourne the very next day. I was delighted when I managed to find someone who was willing to make a swap but this happiness was quenched with a splash of cold water when buddy did not really seem to welcome my visit to Melbourne. I could sense her hesitation in wanting me to be around on that particular day. I kept wondering about why was that so since she always welcome my visits with great anticipation and excitement. Moreover, I was giving up my off days to pop over to sort of celebrate her belated birthday and it was kind of a disappointing vibe I got from her... Finally, I knew why, she was having lunch with Mr. Rich. I guess I have to settle as being cast aside for the time being. I could understand why she rather have lunch with him than hang out with me but it did not make me feel better anyway so I cancelled the trip there.

This is ME

Don't wanna lose

Don't wanna cry

'Cuz I wanna keep laughing

Sleeping spread out as always, more and more

Just reading manga, flippin' pages

The inscription by my side: funny & easy

Wanna live life easy

"Life is a journey, so travel together and help each other out"

Underneath the sun, smilin' every day

Being kind to others, and also to yourself

When you're gonna do it, follow through

For real?

Okay then, follow me

Is it okay to believe?

Whether it's believing or anything else, you never know until you try

Or is it only that you wanna laugh with those who believe?

I wanna try my hand once at this game called life

Until you start to move, you're going nowhere!

Don't wanna lose

Don't wanna cry

'Cuz I wanna keep laughing

I am BLEEDING!

When most people say: " I am bleeding..." in a sorrowful way, one would think of the heart first but please oh please, my finger is the one suffering now thanks to my own clumsiness and stupidity. I was shutting the windows to turn on my air-conditioning when I slammed the sliding window into my wedding finger. At first, I thought it was just going to be another bruise but no! Part of the flesh was sliced off, hanging on... merely with the help of a thin, pathetic, soon-to-be-dying skin. And it started to hurt more by the minute. Why do this have to befall on me? I remember my childhood was full of falling-overs, tripping myself over everything that was in my way, knocking on every corners available, walking into any wall... etc. I wonder...

When will I ever learn to protect myself?

Money on credit is free?!?

In Paris when this friend of mine staying in London came by for a visit. We had dinner and when the cheque came, he used his American Express Gold card, so out of curiosity, I asked him why use the credit card when he had the cash to pay for the bill. He said that he had US$35,000 on credit and it felt like free money and asked me if I would like to spend some money for him which I flatly rejected.

Isn't credit money still money? And it is bloody 35,000 bucks!

Cherishing life is not an embarrassment

Life is indeed short, so it is not an embarrassment to want to cherish it and live life to the fullest. And recently, I find myself doing that, learning sports, trying food, reading books, drinking cocktails that I have never tried before.

When can one say that he or she has live to the fullest? From my point of view, only the person knows it. So for me, I have so much more I want to do and learn. Do you?

Here comes the stress but satisfaction along with it

I drove for the first time on the road today after finally getting my sought after driving license! I was so so surprised that my brother offered me the ticket way to my first drive in the outside world and of course, it was not an opportunity to be missed!

Of course, he was wary of my driving skills so I test drive just underneath the block for a few rounds. Still feeling worried for his car, he drove first to my sis-in-law place to pick her up. It was actually decided that I would drive on the main roads till we reach the expressway and change driver. So I drove, picking up speed and confidence. Ahhhh... the feeling of being in control is indescribable. And to my surprise, he let me drove all the way back including the parking. I was delighted that I was not too bad at all and my brother passed me - good enough to be is chauffeur whenever he needed one when he is too consumed with alcohol to drive back myself but I did not mind at all as I would love to drive again. Simply, can't wait for the next!

28th November 2008 is the birthday of my best buddy, as she resides in Melbourne, the time difference is around six to seven hours. I decided that I shall wish her happy birthday according to local time which will in less than a couple of hours time! Well, I bought her a a pair of Birkies, I hope she likes it and maybe I can get her a Prada wallet when I travel to Paris tomorrow. 

Paris will be quite fun since I will be meeting Feets there and I have to say he is kind of sweet to travel down from London just to see me and I am pleased to say that I am looking forward to my everyday activities although I have been missing my snowboarding lesson for awhile due to a very hectic schedule. Hopefully, I can get back to it soon before I forgets all the basics.

Jia you for myself!

I have been A LAZY GIRL!

Lazy... I am such a lazy person, skipping my gym so I can sleep in more, skipping my snowboarding lessons so I can laze around at home. Well, that definitely has to change! A change it has to be but I cannot seem to get past my laziness. Well, I wonder if it is because of missing my night sleep most of the time or is it because I have snacking on too much sugary stuff which is making me feel very lethargic all the time.

Days like these have to pass and I have to make an effort to go gym and snowboarding again since I will be going to Nagano to snowboard. Talking about the trip has make me feel quite excited as I will be backpacking on my own through Nagano, Nagoya, Kyoto and Osaka all by myself. This is the first time I will be trekking over Japan myself although I have been out on trips alone.

Kind of excited but also a little worried since it will be harder to backpack in winter. January to February are the coldest months in Japan so I am hopping that I won't get lost too many times during the trip, or I would have to keep asking around for directions in that icy weather. Nevertheless, I am hoping to discover another side of me on this trip.

Lastly, I still cannot decide what to do for my annual leave in December. Should I go to Melbourne to accompany Ming for Christmas if she can't get back on time, volunteer to work in Chiang Rai with the children or stay in Singapore and master my snowboarding. 

Too many choices, too many goals, too many things that I want to accomplish... What would you do? 

Best Friends

To be able to fall in love and have someone to be with forever in one's life may be the happiest event for most but for me, having a best friend like Ming has made me realize how lucky  I am, and to think I did not treasure our friendship till she went to Melbourne to study and she being so far away all the time made me miss her more and thought of all he times that we could have spent with one another when she was still here. 

One may ask why she is my best friend, she is my best friend for more than one thousand and one reasons but nothing beats one simple reason - she takes me as I am. And here are more reasons:

1) She would stop work and return to Melbourne from the farm just to spend a day with me

2) She listens to all my grievances and nagging without feeling bored

3) She feels sad when I am sad

4) She bakes cookies, make lasagna for me, including made to order pecan and walnut cookies I have requested

5) She always brings me to the most wonderful places she has been to in Melbourne like Piazza 51, Don Don, Victoria Market with its delicious doughnuts and Spanish Doughnuts

6) She confides in me, trusting me that I will understand what she is saying - and I do =)

7) Most of all, she is a kind, wonderful, gorgeous gal with the biggest heart you can find and SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND!

There are just too many reasons. She is a great friend whom I can laze around in the room, reading, watching television (especially our favourite lifestyle food channel and salivating over all over the food that is being prepared hehe) and yet feel at peace and happy!

I hope to be able to show her all the beautiful places that I have been too and bring her to all the places with all the great food that I ever had, to share all and all with her on my travels. To be able to find such a friend in my life has made me very very happy so I just want to say:

Thank you for being in my life, my friend and please continue to be!

Rainy Day... Not A Sunny Day

Damn! It is 0730 in the morning! I was supposed to wake up at 0645 to get ready for gym at Raffles Place. That left me with two choices - Get up, wash up and take a cab there (which means I have to pay more since it is the peak hour now and all the ERPS) or laze in the bed and call in sick with a lame reason. Of course, I would choose... 2. Wasn't really a hard decision to make anyway, reasons of all sort started to run through my mind, putting it in another way, lies! Finally, after careful consideration, I settled with one that would make me feel less guilty and nobody else would be involved in my story-telling. Well, let's not go further into it. 

Actually, I love going into the gym and working out, it is just the one and a half hour of journey there is a little too time consuming and tiring. Sometimes, the ride there gives me the opportunity to read but when there are no seats available, the trip can be torturous. It is the same for my french lesson, talking about french, I really need to get it going! 

Back to today. With the rain and cool weather, there was nothing more in my mind other than my bed and the relaxing feeling of lying in it and drift off to a sweet, dreamless, peaceful sleep. But when I got home, I lost that feeling. That is how fast a person change.

Are you one of them?

I Overcame... Myself

Returning from Sydney, I discovered a new part of me, a part of me that never existed. I never knew that I was so strong, so determined, so fearless and so unafraid of death... And I was proud of myself.

A booking was made before I flew to Sydney, a lesson to learn how to body surf. I was really excited when I first made the booking (at that moment, I just wanted to keep myself occupied). But after seven hours of working and touching down in Sydney, it really seemed like a bad idea. Moreover, the weather was not as sunny and warm as I had hoped, and the chilly wind blew like no body's business. I was so tempted to call the surf school to cancel the lesson but something tugged at me, it made me wonder too. Was it need to keep myself occupied? Was it because surfing was the main reason I came to Sydney? Was it my determination that refused to lose out to my fatigue? Or was it just plain stubbornness?

It did not matter what the reason was, what was important - I went. Wearing the only clothing I brought along with me (One pathetic set since it was a two day trip) - an extremely short overall with a singlet, I marched towards my destination. Though I was tired but I could not help feeling the excitement slowly overcoming my fatigue. Due to the cool weather, I decided on a bus to the ferry terminal, and boy, was I glad that I made that decision, since it got much cooler after my hour long bath. From the ferry terminal, a ferry was to be taken to Manly Beach. The trip there was lovely and I regretted not bringing my new camera along, so I silently promised myself that this will not be the last time that I was going to be on the ferry (After my surfing lesson, definitely not!). 

Upon reaching Manly Beach ferry terminal, I took a slow walk through the Corso, reaching the only sand-colored hut standing on the beach. Changing into the ice-cold wet suit made me shiver from head to toe. The lesson was to be started and having a cute instructor whose eyes was as blue as the sky made me smile to myself once in awhile. I was surprised that Brandon went through the logic and theory of how a rip and wave is created and how one should take advantage of the rip or was it the wave (Oops, DEFINITELY WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION... which I do regret when I started to surf) to place ourselves in a position that would make it possible to surf.

After much detailed explanation which none registered in that brain of mine. We stepped into the ice-cold sea, ready for our first very cool surf, what we did not expect was how much we had to paddle out to the sea in order to ride the wave. Within fifteen minutes of 'dog paddling' which is what Brandon named my way of paddling, I was TIRED, with arms aching, I was resting on my soft board most of the time rather than paddling. Poor Brandon had to keep pushing me towards the right direction (which is practically what he did most out of our two hour lesson). The further I paddled out, the more worried I was, as I had never been so far out at sea since I have always been a bad swimmer, but something gave me the push I needed, I think it was having Brandon next to me, my life buoy, I knew my chance of drowning would be lesser with me right next to me and I was thankful for having a patient and great instructor like him. =) 

When it was time to ride, I barely made it to a stand and when each wave hit me, I was swallowing so much sea water that I was feeling the need to puke! Brandon kept reminding me to keep my mouth closed so that I would not be swallowing so much water, I guessed I looked like a silly goldfish most of the time, not to mention my crazy hairstyle after being attacked by the waves so many time.

Even when I was near the shore (the sea was barely up to my knee), whenever a big wave came sloshing by, I toppled with the board pulling me along and, I was like a small doll, rolling and swallowing sea water with each fall, gasping for breath most of the time. But I did not give up and paddled out to the back again like a crazy woman behind Brandon. Each paddle brought me further out to the sea but I was not afraid, I was looking forward to the next ride which I might finally be able to surf like a "real" surfer. Finally, though only once, I rode low on my soft board once without Brandon's help. Yeah man, I did!!

And that one ride made everything worthwhile. Have you ever had such ride?

Munching.. Cravings.. Snacking... Slurping...

Working with irregular hours has certainly helped me gain an extra pound of flesh in all the wrong places. And only through looking at myself naked in the mirror one day, I discovered that I have been trying to deny the fact that I have gained a more than a few pounds...

Being a thin rack all throughout my life, I could not stand the sight of all the wobbly bits that I saw. So I signed up for a course with a fitness boutique (Of course it wasn't cheap!) and started my healthy lifestyle.

At first, I was oh so determined to lose those extra pounds but whenever I couldn't stop my cravings anymore, I would be attacking all kind of sinful food for the ENTIRE day, and when I say entire, it really meant 24 hours a day which makes me feel disgusted at myself too. There was once that I went crazy with cravings for chocolate that I almost bought every kind of chocolate bar that was sold in the NTUC of terminal 3. 

Today... was one of those days. It started out with lunching with my family and  I was telling myself that I would take a little of everything and loads of the veggies. First came the hokkien mee that I only ate a few spoonfuls. Great, everything is going as planned. Next, the broccoli which I ate with no reserve and then the sambal kangkong arrive which was too spicy for me (Phew~ I could have ate tons of that). Then came the cheese crab which looks too good to pass, so I had a claw, and then more and more. It did not stop at that, the black pepper crab came too and that was the end of my "eat a little of everything plan".

When I got home, one would think that after such a heavy lunch, I would be feeling so so guilty and starve for the rest of the day. No! I continued snacking -  Ben & Jerry's Vanilla ice cream with a slice of original Sara Lee cake (I luuuurve Sara Lee's pound cake). 

Dinner was a little better, salad with egg (sweeten egg, like the kind on sushi) and I munch on a slice of low GI bread topped with half cream cheese and the other half with hazelnut chocolate.

Now.. I am slurping on a Japanese instant noodle which I totally enjoyed. Will tomorrow be a better day?

Laziness

Well, I think it is really time for me to keep up with my blogs, seems that I have been getting lazier with time and this head of mine is getting airier as time passes by!

Christmas is arriving again, last year I spent a certain big amount on gifts and prezzies for my family and friends but this year, I would replace gifts with my lovely smile and two words:" Merry Christmas!" Why is that so? 

Because I am trapped in a deep hole dug by myself since I have made plans to go Phuket with my two lovely girlfriends and a snowboarding trip to Nagano and backpacking trip to the rest of the cities around Nagano.

I cannot help being excited about the trips although the whole world is going into recession. Well, it wouldn't help for me to be gloomy so why not cheer up and bring more smiles into this world.

Lately, life seems to be getting better, maybe because I have filled my life with plans again. And I am will be going to the manly beach for body surfing lesson in a couple of days time!

Till then!!

My "Fabulous" Leave

22nd October 2008 was the start of my annual leave, rest that I badly needed after the fall I had from being rejected by a guy who was unwilling to commit. To say that I am totally fine would be such bullshit because I still think of him everyday but it doesn't hurt that much anymore. Time do heal wounds but end of the day, the scar will remain. To keep myself from thinking, I picked up wake boarding and snowboarding.

Wake boarding session was with this gal name Liz and she is someone that you do not want to mess with as she does not have the patience and temper of saint. But all the same, she can be a great fun too. I did finally succeed in standing up and actually wake board on the 2nd attempt and for a lonnnng time too! That made me proud as I did not give up =)

Snowboarding.. was bad.. all I did was bummed my ass and killed my knees. But I am so determined to get myself up and start carving soon even if I have to pay a bomb for the practice sessions. When I am doing sports, hurt and loneliness seems so far away and I exist. And I cannot wait to snowboard in Hokkaido even if it is not with him. Life still goes on and I want mine to be full of laughter and joy with my friends and love ones!

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

When did your feelings became mine too?

Today, I was at the top of a beautiful city, gazing down the city through the eyes of the clouds. Enjoying an ice cold beer when I descended, nothing in the world could change the way I felt at the moment in time: relaxed, free-spirited and calm. But I was wrong...

One mobile message has caused my mind to run again and worry lines to appear on my face. "He who shall not be named" has messaged after another day of vanishing act, I should be quite used to it by now but my heart still skips a beat when I see his message appear on my mobile phone. The chime from the message has brought me good news, this is what I though whenever I got one of his message. I should be happy that he messaged but why did the worry lines appear? That was because he lost something at a station, something that made him sad... and it seems that my heart was no longer mine when I felt sad too, was my heart shadowing his? When did that happened? When did I become one of those girls who could not control her emotions? When did I become so weak? Am I in love?

Now all I could think was whether there was a way I could retrieve what he lost, the beautiful scenery seems oblivious to me, and all I wanted to do was to find a solution for him. And I did, I cut short my plans for the day of sightseeing the city, a city that I have been to for the first time. But sightseeing seems so small compared to putting my solution into action. So I raced back to the hotel, went through the entire list of colleagues who were at the station that he lost his item. To my dismay, none of the colleagues' names look familiar. So I had to go through all my good friends in the same line who could possibly know one of them, and from there, I would be able to ask one of them to check with the hotel whether they found his item. It may seems silly as I have no idea which room he stayed in when he left his item behind. One would ask why I have no idea which room he stayed in, well, I did asked, just that he did not answer me. Maybe he felt that I would not be much of a help anyway.

One by one, I went through my friends. Every hope seems to be dashed by a pool of ice water... Feeling stubborn, I glanced at the list again and found one name that linger in my memory, I checked her name against my past list of working colleagues, I worked with her before! Now for the number, how can I get hold of her number to ask her the favor, through some means, I managed to grab her of the number and messaged her while still asking around for my friends to do the same.

It was noon when I got his news, and now its almost midnight, I was still keeping awake and waiting for someone to respond. I may not be able to find the misplaced item, but at least I tried... he would never know that I tried hard for him, it is sad but the truth. Wish me luck!

Lost.. Today I am..

Lost.. That was the only feeling I had for the entire day. Have you ever felt scared for no reason, as if the whole world has abandoned and you are ALONE. I absolutely and utterly hate that feeling, that kind of loneliness just hit you like a wave and it seems that the whole world is still revolving but you... you have stopped and let that emotion tear you down, the fear has conquered your entire being.

Well, I have found some solutions to lessen that fear, stay close to the people you love for the entire day or do as much things as you can to keep yourself occupied, not letting your mind wonder anywhere else beyond your field of reach. But today, "my solutions" have failed me, being emotionally and physically drained... I wasn't ready for the uphill battle with my fear and not receiving any news from that someone made it only worse. It was a battle that I was bound to lose and I did... miserably...

Now here I am, typing every word, hoping that in another minute, my spirit will be able to lift itself out of the black hole and let me feel me again...

Is your life precious like mine?

Reading the yahoo news this morning, one can't help but feel pity about the death of one of the twins, this pair of twins went through a marathon surgery to be separated as they were born joined at the head. It seems that a determine fighting spirit is not able to keep one from choosing their own fate of life. And I cannot imagine the pain of people who have gone through such pains just to spend another second on earth... I simply cannot comprehend why there would be some who choose to give up their lives willingly by suicide or by other means. Can't they see that lives are precious and how many are fighting to keep it. 

My life may not be perfect but I love it all the same. The freedom of being able to do all the simple things I love makes me twinkle with happiness. Living means I can...

Read a book and fall asleep in the park on a sunny day with my Tiger (my pampered but terribly cute sheltie)

Eat my bagel/croissant with lotsa of cream cheese/butter

A glass of ice cold beer whenever I feel like it

Giving hugs to my love ones anytime

Pack my bags for a getaway whenever I am down...

Aren't these reasons good enough to be alive in this world? Maybe I am a simpleton.. but who cares =)

Denial should be a sin...

In a barely queen size bed in San Francisco, I was drifting in and out of a dreamfest when my friend, L .T. called in response to my message earlier on whether he was affected my the earthquake in Los Angeles. And I denied him my 'harlowww... yeah..' just because I was too lazy to lift my hand up to pick up the phone right next to him. *GUILTY* 

The guilt seems to have push its way out of my sleepy system and woke me up. Might as well finish my last bit of cesar salad and cheesecake, I kept thinking that it is healthy salad with an unhealthy slice of cheesecake topped with a gigantic glob of delicious whipped cream (the kind I love!). This is definitely self-denial, how can my salad be healthy with so much cream sauce on every bite and that cheesecake simply makes me cringe with every bite because I know that my body is gonna suffer tomorrow on the treadmill. Let me tell you how great I am at self-denial...

I believe that calories don't count when I finish a tub of philadelphia cream cheese if no one knows about it...

I believe that butter is one of the most amazing substance every created and is actually healthy...

I believe that shopping can help lose weight and replace sessions at the gym...

I believe that humans are kind unless provoked...

I believe that no matter how much weight I gained, I can still fit into my skinny jeans..

I believe that one day he will be the one messaging me first to let me know how his day went, the first one he thinks of when he has something to share, letting me in on his schedules, missing me when we are apart and maybe one day... need me...

Well, enough of my self-denials, I discovered that humans tend to deny when they regret a certain way of behavior. I was watching shark week, this group that was supposed to 'fish' for a Greenland shark to tag and monitor their way of life which means no killing would be involved. A female Greenland shark was caught and observed while bleeding, and only after a certain while of 'observation', the group discovered the bleeding and commented that if there was too much damage done to the shark, they might as well use it as a specimen and cut it up. It seems that they got their way as the shark was punctured in the gill by the second bait hook. Research it maybe but one can't help thinking that regret and denial sets in when the accidental death of the shark was committed. 

Denial may make life easier to bear sometimes and I am definitely guilty of it but what about the life after denial? Do we cover up with more denials until one can no longer bear the weight of our emotions?

Do you really know anyone?

One day, lying in bed, I was trying to figure out how to get my hotmail account working again when I heard my brother asked my mum, "Where should I hide this bag, wanna give this to Yi (my sis-in-law) as a surprise.." I turned around and gapped at the Blue Label Burberry bag he was holding. What!! My brother actually has some living sensitive cells in him, then I realized - How well do I really know or understand the people around me, including those that have been living under the same roof as me for my entire life?

For the next few days, I was a pest by trying to sound out whether my family members knew what each other like or dislike. It was all going well until my all-time-super mummy asked if I would like sea cucumber (a slimy translucent echinoderm that humans consume) for dinner, I rolled my eyes in shock. My "super nanny" seems to have forgotten the fact that I have never touched any sea cucumber on any kind of dishes all my life. The final evaluation - No human can ever truly understand another human even though one could memorize his/her likes or dislikes, routines in life.. etc because deep inside, there is always one (or maybe a few.. =)  ) secret that one would like to keep. Whether this secret (it could be a memory) brings up a smile, a feeling of disgust, a pang of regret, a bout of anger or even a couple of tears doesn't matter because at the end of the day, it still belongs to only one, which is you...  

Travelling

Traveling is no longer a hobby but a way of life for me. And it still amazes me that I have manage to combine both my interest and career into one. Traveling may have become mundane for many of the same career as I am but to me, it stills sends shivers of excitement when I am bound for a destination that I have never been to!

Why is traveling one of the greatest love of my life? Well, the reason is really simple, I love every step that I take towards where I am going. From the moment I start packing all my stuff and getting ready to begin my journey, whether it is by the bus, boat or a plane, I feel my body springing with excitement. For example, if I was to be taking the plane, the process of checking in the bags, saying goodbyes to family and friends, grazing through the duty-free shops while waiting for the departure gate to open never made me felt restless. Not even when I have to squeeze my way past through hordes of people in the aircraft to get to the seat. It may be silly to some that I am still looking forward to being given the headset, night kit.. etc

And the best of all is to have someone you love sitting right next to you, holding your hands between his/hers when the plane takes off, it is a kind of simple happiness which is indescribable. For that, a toast to traveling!